I’ve always hoped that a side benefit of studying human behavior and its cultural context is that I improve my own behavior. Like many people, I have a ways to go, and there is no shortage of examples on all sides. I prefer to look for and emulate the positive traits and behaviors I see around me, yet there is great value in noticing the negative, too. It reminds me what not to do as I see its effect in client situations, even friends and family. In my consulting work the problems I encounter usually fall into a few general categories, with interpersonal behavior always near the top. I encountered the latter on a personal level not long ago.

In addition to consulting, training and coaching, I teach at a local college. Not much, one or two night courses a semester. I love the classroom and the energy from the students, who even though mostly work full or part-time, are still eager to learn. No jaded cynicism yet and I learn as much as they do.  But now I have colleagues, fellow faculty members, and my interactions with them are not in my regular role as consultant.  A few weeks ago, I was in a meeting with some full-time faculty in the business department, and we were comparing notes on a course we all teach. I like doing this since I can always pick up a few good ideas to use. Well, I happened to share the fact that in one unit of this course, I take a class period to conduct one of my training workshops. Well, an abbreviated version, about one and a half hours. It’s on navigating change; it gives the students an interactive way to learn about change management and gives them workshop experience. We have fun and learn a lot each time. One faculty member wasn’t impressed. He remarked: “Well, putting them through that should be enough to sour them on training.” Both his tone and look were dismissive. It was clearly a put-down.

Now this man doesn’t know me well, and has never seen me present a workshop or even teach a class. Why would he say something like that? On the one hand, we can never really know. But on the other, we should never accept it and let it go unchallenged. This is classic passive-aggressive behavior, and usually designed to elevate the perpetrator at the expense of the insulted. What prompts someone to do this? Low self-esteem? Insecurity? Maybe. Probably. This type of person sees life as a zero-sum game and sees your success as diminishing his own. If you succeed, I fail. You’ve met them and you usually are too shocked to say anything when on the receiving end. You don’t have to be and shouldn’t be. That kind of behavior is poisonous  and needs to be challenged on the spot. Which I did. I said “Why would you say that? You weren’t there and this workshop is one of my most requested and popular. We try to give students real-world experience here. Do you have something against training workshops?”

If left unchallenged, this negative behavior continues and more people are hurt by it. Whole departments can be affected. Let’s be aware of this behavior and prepared to nail it on the spot. If you notice, I wasn’t mean or rude, but I was plain in my challenge of his insult. I wanted him to justify his words. Anyone can do it and should. We have to do our part in not letting our own well be poisoned or our department or team or whatever the group. It requires a certain confidence to not be bullied, and the rewards are tremendous. When accountability is lost, the bad behavior multiplies. Check that behavior right away! Your confidence will grow and group satisfaction will improve more than you can imagine. I try to never exhibit this behavior myself and if I do, call me on it. Right away.